ADOPTION: Blog Post #42, Chapter 28 – Bathrobes and Personal Modesty

Today’s blog excerpt from my book, ADOPTION: Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey, begins with a scripture that is applicable to both men and women, boys and girls. I hope you’ll glean some wisdom from my sharing the latter half of Chapter 28 – Bathrobes and Personal Modesty. This topic can be an overwhelming issue, especially with older adopted children. It is best to get a handle on it early to save your sanity later.

…in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation….      1 Timothy 2:8

(Chapter begins in book.)

When our first set of adopted siblings came home to us, it was immediately apparent that they had issues with sneaking around to watch other people undress, had fantasies about underwear of the opposite sex, and were obsessed with what everyone else’s bodies looked like clothed or unclothed. We had to come up with a few strategies that not only helped them learn appropriate boundaries, but also to give them a healthy understanding of God’s purpose for male and female.

These are some house rules we implemented that seemed to help. Of course, it took years of daily/nightly reminders, and with each new child introduced to the family, it took another round of teaching the basics from scratch. I’m sure a lot of this seems ‘prudish,’ but this is another case where it is better to err on the side of overdoing, then not doing enough and having huge issues:

1. Even if we have to shop at thrift stores to afford it, each member of the family has 3-4 sets of pajamas, and 1-2 robes which are stylish, comfortable, and seasonally appropriate. Dressing in nightclothes should be something that everyone enjoys and looks forward to at the end of a long day. No nightclothes you purchase should be considered ‘sexy,’ and guys should wear tops, not just bottoms. This applies to Mom and Dad when they are walking around the house, but not necessarily in their own bedroom
2. Robes should be worn over pajamas at all times when a person is not in bed. Robes must be appropriately fastened closed—zipped or tied.
3. Everyone wears underpants under their pajamas. Our girls all decided on their own that they would wear their bras under their pajamas. They never asked, just assumed that this is what everyone does, and did it. I never told them otherwise.
4. Everyone wears ‘wholesome’ underwear. Not ‘sexy,’ not skimpy—just old fashioned undershirts and knit boxers for guys; and fairly plain bras, underpants, and slips under skirts/dresses for girls. Because we have cold winters on our farm, we also wear long johns when needed.
5. Each child of school age or older folds and puts away their own laundry after Mom washes it. This keeps everyone’s undergarments private from others who might snicker and laugh, or even try something on if they are folding someone else’s. Of course this tomfoolery happens, and we try not to make a big deal out of it.
6. Everyone showers/bathes and changes in the bathroom alone, unless they need supervision from Mom and Dad because they are young or are just in need of help.
7. Everyone may be in the public rooms of the house—kitchen, living room, family room—in their pajamas if they have their robe on.
8. Unless children are really young (under age 5?) boys and girls have separate bedrooms. Once in their own bedrooms, they may take off their robes as part of relaxing and getting ready for bed.
9. No one goes into someone else’s bedroom of a different gender without permission from Mom or Dad. If permission is given, the door must remain open.
10. Regarding modesty for girls: tops should not expose cleavage; tops and bottoms should not be ‘skin tight;’ skirt hemlines should be knee length or leggings must be worn under; leggings and yoga pants are not considered ‘pants,’ and may not be worn with tops or tunic tops that don’t cover thighs; shorts no more than 3” above knee; tank tops are fine on hot days at home, but not for public wear, and no camisoles are to be worn as the outer top – they must be covered by an actual shirt or dress; one piece swimsuits only; at public swimming pool or beach, cover-ups must be worn outside of the water.
11. Regarding modesty for boys: undershirts should be worn under dress shirts; shirts should be worn unless working with Dad outside and it is a hot day; shirts must be worn in the house, not just undershirts; no sagging pants; belts are to be worn with dress slacks or jeans for church; muscle shirts are acceptable on hot days, but not white undershirts; boys should wear long-shorts style swim trunks, never European style Speedos unless for competition swimming; at public swimming pool or beach, shirts should be worn until getting into water.

Reflection/Discussion Questions:

1. What are you most comfortable wearing for lounging, sleeping, and swimming?
2. What are some good guidelines for both genders regarding modesty in your home?
3. What is the fine line between having healthy versus overly-prudish views, which can back-fire later regarding God’s plan for healthy human sexuality within marriage?

Pray for unity on the issue of modesty for your children. Ask the Lord for direction. Wife, it is your turn to choose the CREATIVE DATE. Have a wonderful time!