ADOPTION: Blog Post 33, CHAPTER 24 – When You Just Can’t Go On

Posted August 11, 2017

This weeks blog post for my book, ADOPTION: Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey is an excerpt from Chapter 24. When You Just Can’t Go On – Parental Running Away, Return and Respite

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

(Chapter begins in book.)

Throughout the most challenging years of our adopted children’s lives, my husband and I were never able to travel together apart from our kids, let alone go out on the town for a date. Our children’s various behaviors were so severe that we couldn’t even consider leaving our competent, adult, biological children in charge so we could have time to ourselves. During those exhausting years, we could at least get everyone to bed on Friday night, then have some time in our bedroom to talk or watch a movie. We lit candles, I wore my fancy nightgown, he gave me a foot and back massage, and we pretended that we didn’t have the life we did. It was an escape for just a few hours. Sometimes, there was a knock on our bedroom door, we were interrupted, and needed to respond. Sometimes we just yelled, “Go back to bed!” At some point we installed an inexpensive latch on the inside of our bedroom door for privacy. I highly suggest you consider such!

After a couple of years when things had finally settled down a bit, my husband and I felt like we could leave the older bio babysitters in-charge for a few hours. We ran errands on Friday afternoon and stopped for ‘happy hour’ on the way home, because it was the least expensive date in town we could think of. One time, I remember, we pulled into the driveway of our remote farm and just couldn’t face driving down to the house, ending our weekly escape. Always thinking creatively in order to have a bit of fun together, we parked right there so the kids couldn’t see our vehicle from the house to know we were home. We climbed atop a stack of hay bales, and made-out like teenagers under the stars. Nearly ten years have passed, and I remember it like yesterday!

In between our weekly dates, my husband and I also allowed each other to take individual breaks. Most of the time, we still stayed at home to accomplish this. On Saturday nights he initiated ‘Dad Date’ with our kids. They played boards games and watched movies until late. I was free to sew, cook, read, or just watch a movie by myself. For his breaks, he would feel free to go to town on errands by himself, go work in our shop building alone, or just saddle a horse and ride out to the pasture for a check on cattle. I, probably too often, would ask him to take a kid with him to ease my burden, and thankfully he would be honest and say, “No, I want to be alone this time.” He would come back refreshed, and then would gladly be with all the kids in order to give me a break.

Enjoying breaks or self-care, for you as individuals and as a couple, is vital to successfully raising adopted children: actually, to raising any children! Burnout can lead to personal and marital problems. These problems can lead to a disrupted adoption with the child even more traumatized from once again losing her family. It is for you, for your marriage, and for your children that you must give yourself a break and run away from your life, if only for a few hours. You need to return home, of course, so you should plan your re-entry strategy. It can be a real downer to come home after you have ‘run away.’ I always work extra hard making sure the house is clean and food is prepared before I leave so that when I return, I am not overwhelmed once again by duty.

Respite care is when your challenging child goes elsewhere for a few hours, overnight, or even for a weekend. The child thinks it is for her, but truly it is for you to enjoy a break. The child may see respite as a treat or reward, and that is okay. You need the treat even more so. Make sure that the person providing respite understands the risks of being with your child, and that your child needs to obey the same basic house rules you have instigated regardless of where she is, including no access to technology, R-rated movies, and the like. It is wise to give the respite provider a document that you have signed, letting authorities and medical providers know you have given the respite provider permission to have your child during specific dates. Include medical insurance and medical provider information in case of emergency. Most likely your child will not act out in respite, instead she will relish the fact it is a fun time away from you.

The urge to escape your life, or run away even for a few minutes, is most likely associated with a high level of stress. It is essential that parents learn to have a few stress-busters that they can default to instantaneously when things get rough. These are also good to help your kids learn to regulate themselves as they do these alone, or alongside of you.

Breathe: take at least 3 slow breaths; raise your arms above your head if you can.
Count to 5 or 10 or 100: stop and count to yourself before reacting to a situation.
Exercise: go for a walk, do calisthenics indoors, enjoy your backyard playground.
Humor: instead of yelling at the mess your kids just made, join them and get messy!
Step away: if a scene is escalating, step back into another room; re-enter the situation after prayer and clearing your head.
Take a break: separate yourself into another room away from your kids and listen to music or read; make sure they are safe and occupied, but do take a 5-30 minute break.

(Chapter continues in book.)

sharimcminn

Shari Howard McMinn is an author, editor, farmer, writer, and most importantly Mom to 11 children. Widowed very unexpectedly on June 2, 2013, Shari continued the direction of her life built with her late husband, Cary, and launched her public speaking and writing business which he had often encouraged her to do. Drawing from her 'over the top' life, she writes non-fiction and presents PowerPoint talks on issues related to family life, including adoption, childhood nutrition, family economics, homeschooling, and proactive parenting. She is available for broadcast interviews and presentations in Colorado and surrounding states, as well as Florida and Georgia. A dynamic speaker, Shari engages the audience with her true-life storytelling and practical advice based on experience and biblical wisdom.