ADOPTION: Blog Post #43, Chapter 31 – Birth Parents – Irresponsible Men and the Other Woman


This week’s excerpt from my book, ADOPTION: Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey, discusses a very difficult and challenging subject for adoptive parents – their child’s birth parents.

Children are adopted from variety of situations. Some from foreign countries where birth parents have no ability to care for their children whom they love but have to place for adoption, some domestically from birth couples or mothers who make an adoption plan out of love for a child they cannot raise, and some from child welfare because birth parents are incapable of raising them – having had their parental rights terminated for abuse, neglect, or other reasons. My five children were adopted from child welfare after their birth parents’ rights were terminated. My situation may be similar or different than yours. Please read this chapter with my viewpoint in mind, and be sure to read the next chapter excerpt at some point wherein I discuss how to instill a positive attitude in your adopted children for their birth parents.

31. Birth Parents – Irresponsible Men and the Other Woman

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3

It was the first Christmas after my husband died. The kids and I had enjoyed a wonderful Christmas morning, opening a bounty of gifts. The week before, my minor children had all gone shopping with my adult son to spend their own hard-earned money on thoughtfully-selected gifts. I was preparing a festive dinner to be consumed mid-afternoon, when my adopted teen son entered the kitchen and asked if I was going to be gone the following evening. I replied that I hadn’t really thought about it, and so couldn’t answer right then. I asked him why he wanted to know.

The conversation continued with him telling me that he needed my adult son to use my pick-up truck with trailer attached to transport his truck to the repair shop. I told him that it would be okay, but he would have to go during daylight. Also, we would have to see how much snow would fall within the next few days, and he would need to schedule the trip between his working hours and our holiday family activities. Within a few minutes our conversation disintegrated to a frustrating yelling match as my timetable wasn’t soon enough for his needs, and his ‘other mom’ would be glad to help him out since I obviously didn’t want to. He stormed into his room and I was left drowning in my own tears trying to figure out the hurricane that had just overtaken me in the midst of Christmas joy.

The Other Woman, a title I have often used (in my own mind) for my stepson’s, and my adopted children’s birth mothers, had once again wreaked havoc in my life. Caught off-guard, my mind was not quick enough to put the proper words in my mouth to deal with the situation in a respectful and productive way. As I gathered my thoughts, trying not to curse out-loud, or sin in my anger, I was once again leveled to the disrespected humility that often accompanies moms of step and adopted children. It is a horrible place to be. I am never prepared to go there, and want to run away when I am sucked into the towering hurricane tides smashing me against the rocky shore.

(Chapter continues in book.)

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