ADOPTION: Blog Post #31, Chapter 22 – Permanent Future
This chapter excerpt from my recently released book, ADOPTION: Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey, encourages parents to keep the main thing, the main thing.
22. Permanent Future—Stay Flexible, Stay Together, Stay Resolved
Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright; for the future of that man is peace. Psalm 37:37
Today I visited my 19-year-old son who was adopted into our family at the age of seven. As I mentioned earlier, he is working full-time, and living on his own. I never thought the day would come! Having been financially burned by several of his former roommates, he decided to rent a one-bedroom efficiency apartment and live by himself. In the past when he had roommates, I had taken him some groceries and household items that I knew he needed. Today, to celebrate his first week of truly living on his own, alone, I delivered not only all kinds of kitchen and bath goods, but about a month’s worth of easy-to-prepare food and groceries to stock his pantry and refrigerator. I knew that whatever I gave him, he would take care of and appreciate more than his former roommates ever would have done. As my daughter and I unloaded the goodies, he kept laughing and saying, “There’s more?” With a broad smile on his face, he showed us his new man cave, and thanked me profusely for the gifts intended to ‘civilize’ his place. Dishes, towels, silverware and cooking utensils complete in their own drawer trays, and a sanitary cutting board along with new, sharp knives were some of the things that I thought should outfit his new home. He doesn’t have time to cook much between his two jobs and sleeping, but I included some easy-to-bake cookie mixes for his sweet tooth—I even remembered cookie sheets for baking them!
Husbands, admit it—if it wasn’t for your wife you would still be living a somewhat uncivilized life in your own man cave! Ladies, it is our job to nurture our family members, including our older children who have emancipated (the kids who couldn’t wait to move out, but still need their Mom to do nice things for them). This is especially true of adopted children who needed permanency when they became our sons and daughters. They need to know that a forever family means just that—forever! They need to feel the love and comfort of the family support system beyond the walls of the home in which they grew up. Sons, especially, need to know that Mom and Dad are still actively involved in their lives even though they can do most everything for themselves. Somehow daughters are more forthcoming about their needs than sons, remaining a bit more fragile and needy in this tough world: tough especially for young ladies from trauma backgrounds.
Regardless of the age of your adopted child, flexibility in parenting is crucial. Flexible schedules, flexible educational methods, flexible disciplinary methods, flexible relationship building, and flexible provision of needs. Not all children have the same issues. Not all children want the same things. Not all children communicate in the same way. Just because something works for one, doesn’t mean it will work for another. This is especially true when different genetics and cultures are thrown into the mix of gender and birth order.
One of the difficult challenges of a family built through adoption is that though a family should do things together, and be on the same page most of the time, attitudes along with personalities and dispositions often prevent a feeling of ‘togetherness.’ Whether it is different tastes in music, movies, recreation, clothing, food, and even vacation destinations, Dad and Mom need to take charge to ensure there is as much ‘togetherness’ as possible. This means allowing each child to feel heard, that their input matters, and their personal choices eventually rise to the top of the selection queue. It also means that the family does things together more than each individual doing something on her own.
We had an overall standard that if someone was feeling left out, or chose to be isolated, the family made an effort to bring that child back into the fold with more ‘togetherness.’ This was something that my late husband and I monitored throughout the day. We were aware when a child was rejecting the concept of belonging to a family, and we did what it took to entice her back onto the team.
Remaining flexible and keeping together is daunting work, especially when you have a larger family. This is when Mom and Dad have to check in with each other regarding the ‘mood’ of each person, making sure that the family is a tight unit in which everyone wants to feel a part. Communication is the key, but a firm vision and resolution to stick with it is even more primary.
(Chapter continues in book.)
