ADOPTION: Blog Post #35, Chapter 25 – High Expectations

Posted September 15, 2017

Today’s chapter excerpt from my book, ADOPTION: Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey, examines our goals in raising adopted children.

25. High Expectations, but Less Than Perfect Is A-Okay

The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. Psalm 138:8

I am, and have always been, an over-achieving, dominant personality with lofty goals and sky-high expectations! It is who I am, what I do, and how I roll! My husband possessed a genius IQ who was passionate about life. Additionally, he was a perfectionist, and frankly, so am I (except with housecleaning)! My parents taught me ‘anything worth doing, is worth doing well’ and ‘leave something better than you found it.’ These are admirable traits, and I embrace them. Yet, my adopted children have taught me many lessons regarding expectations and perfectionism.

Whether a genetic predisposition, early environment, or the shady lens of trauma, my adopted kids—and I would presume a majority of adopted children—do not possess the aforementioned personality characteristics. Now, granted, they may be complete control freaks because of a background of abuse and neglect, but obeying their adoptive parents’ high expectations is typically not in their vocabulary, or even in their language skill set.

A conundrum that I think we can safely assume is that adoptive parents by their very nature must have high expectations, yet they must be willing to accept far less as they raise their adopted child. If you are even consider adding a child to your family that you didn’t procreate, think that you will love that child as ‘your own,’ are willing to sacrifice everything in your life for him even though the child might not appreciate you for it, and can be so crazy as to encourage others to walk the very difficult journey you find yourself on, you certainly have high expectations!

The reality is that though you will come to love your adopted child with all your heart, your child might not love you back as strongly. Another reality is that he might embrace Christ, but maybe not until his old age so you might not know. A more difficult reality is that he might not consider himself part of your family—you are just part of his. Do these realities knock you to your knees?

Well, no doubt they do—because I have felt that way over and over again, and I would still give my very life and breath for my adopted children, just as I would my step and birth children. Crazy, isn’t it? You surely wouldn’t have that dedication towards your job, your education, your home, your friends, your family of origin, your pets—okay, maybe your dog, but not your cat!

Personally speaking, I have to raise my adopted children with the highest of expectations on myself or I will give up. I have to set my bar really high, because if I don’t do this, who will? If God called his Bride, the church, to visit orphans in their distress, then by golly, I can do this! I have to have the highest expectations for myself or I simply can’t go on facing the battle each day. Imagine if General Douglas McArthur didn’t believe he could beat the Japanese forces in the jungles of the Pacific during World War II, against all odds, would he have even tried? What would have happened to the rest of the world if he hadn’t believed the impossible was possible?

I have done this adoption thing long enough that I am gaining a realistic view of the battle. First, I see the war is with the enemy, and not my child. Second, I know God is on my side, and I firmly believe that Jesus wins the overall war with the enemy when He comes back to earth riding His white horse! Third, I have finally come to the conclusion that if I can love each of my children each day, God will work out their education, their adult job/career to support themselves, their future spouse and children, and their negative behaviors which are socially unacceptable (if not downright sociopathic!). God will work it out.

To keep things simple, my primary goals each day are food, clothing, shelter, and love. If I can achieve that, we had a good day! I long ago gave up the idealistic sky high goals I had early in my parenting life: model citizens, excellent grades in school, scholarships to college, successful careers, picture perfect!

My overall goals for my adopted children are still sky high but they are not external as before: to love the Lord with all their heart, mind, soul, and strength; to love their neighbor as themselves; to be a forever part of our family; to be content; to find joy every day; to live life to their fullest ability; to love and be loved. I trust Christ to help them achieve these internal goals.

These are different expectations. These are still great expectations. In looking back, what I wish I had done differently from the beginning of our adoption journey was to love my children more, and be okay with their lack of ability to love me back in the same way. I wish I had focused more on capturing their hearts, instead of on their less-than-perfect behavior and the accompanying struggles in the worldly realms of school and community.

(Chapter continues in book.)

sharimcminn

Shari Howard McMinn is an author, editor, farmer, writer, and most importantly Mom to 11 children. Widowed very unexpectedly on June 2, 2013, Shari continued the direction of her life built with her late husband, Cary, and launched her public speaking and writing business which he had often encouraged her to do. Drawing from her 'over the top' life, she writes non-fiction and presents PowerPoint talks on issues related to family life, including adoption, childhood nutrition, family economics, homeschooling, and proactive parenting. She is available for broadcast interviews and presentations in Colorado and surrounding states, as well as Florida and Georgia. A dynamic speaker, Shari engages the audience with her true-life storytelling and practical advice based on experience and biblical wisdom.