ADOPTION: Blog Post #30, Chapter 21 – Delayed Gratification

Posted July 21, 2017

…that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. Hebrews 6:12

We live in an instant world: instant messaging, instant oatmeal, instant money out of an ATM, instant credit for a car we can’t afford to pay cash for, and instant service at the fast food window. To wait for something for longer than we think is immediately necessary is difficult for we adults, let alone our kids. It is even more of a challenge for adopted children who have waited too long for a family to love them forever, a home with their own real bed, a quality education, and even clean drinking water. If only medical appointments could be instant, or even just on time!

Our culture sends visual messages via billboards, magazines, and television commercials to our kids no matter where we go. Even public schools and churches have pop machines with ads! These shout out to our children that they shouldn’t wait for anything they desire: the next fad toy, the best new movie, the latest expensive shoe, and even pre-marital sex. Their friends want them to come over to play now! Our kids want to play Wii now! They want, they want, they want everything now! It is sensory overload and our kids from hard places simply don’t understand that indeed they must wait for many things, even using the bathroom in a busy household! Most heartbreaking and difficult to deal with as a parent is the temptation of evils that lure our kids out of the safety of innocent childhood into an adult world they are not emotionally, socially, or spiritually prepared for.

How do we impart our mature wisdom about taking things one at a time? How do we help them see that everything has a season, and that season is not now? How do we teach them delayed gratification? How do we teach them gratitude for what they have now, and to wait patiently for the Lord’s timing to inherit His promises?

It hasn’t always worked perfectly or as well as we would have liked, but we put into effect a number of guidelines and practices in our home when our biological children were young. Because these worked well for us, we used the same principals in raising our adopted children with reasonable success. My adopted son, who is emancipated and living on his own, solely supporting himself, is a testament to the benefits of learning delayed gratification. Though he moved out immediately after he completed home high school, it was with my blessing and he was ready. He didn’t run away, and I didn’t kick him out. He had learned enough about delayed gratification that the timing was appropriate. He had money in savings to afford rent and a security deposit, he owned his vehicle without debt, and had a living wage, paying job in which he had worked his way up.

Parents should discuss their ‘wants’ in front of the children, and then let the children know they are waiting to purchase something, or to go on a date or trip, until the time is right and it can be afforded. Discuss delayed gratification as a way of life and what it means. Parents should cheerfully share with their children that they are willing to wait to be able to afford things for themselves, so as to ensure that the children are provided for first. Dads, you should model that you provide for yourself only after your wife is provided for—it is as simple as holding the door for her, serving her food before you take some, or pulling her chair out before you sit down.
Teach your children ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ before you teach just about any other social nicety. If your child asks for something, reinforce this by having them ask again, using the word ‘please.’ Before they leave, encourage them to say ‘thank you.’
Aside from the basics of food, clothing, shelter, and love, parents should not give their child something immediately when he asks for it. This includes having a friend over, a new toy from the store, or a special treat he desires. Have him learn to wait patiently until you can formulate a thoughtful answer as to why or why not. Sometimes this is within minutes, sometimes at the end of the day, or later in the week. Be cheerful when you respond and tell him you are glad he asked and will consider his request. With little children you have to respond sooner, but with older children try to delay your response and the fulfillment of the request.
When shopping, make a list before you leave the house, and stick to the list. This also forces parents to live by delayed gratification! If a child wants something special, occasionally you can be generous and give it to him. Other times it might be wise to make him ‘earn it.’ Sometimes you should delay it by saying “Yes, but later when I decide the time is right.” Wait, and give it to him as a birthday or other holiday gift.
Children should be expected to participate in family chores. Once they are in elementary school, they should be able to maintain a weekly organizing of their room, wash dishes, set the table, change sheets on beds, and begin to work in teams to clean each room in the house. Of course, you will need to direct and supervise, and be available in the immediate vicinity if problems should arise. At elementary school age, our children were all capable of helping feed livestock on our farm by working alongside of us. We never gave our kids an allowance for house chores, but did give them weekly pay for feeding livestock twice a day with us because it is our family business. Wages started out at $1/week for first grade, and increased with $1/grade level/week, so an 8^th grader got $8/week, and a senior $12/week. Not much, but it was enough to motivate them to work. We made sure they were paid in change so they could calculate their 10% tithe each week for church.
I should interject here, that one of the most important motivators for our kids to learn delayed gratification was that in our home, chores came before meals. If you didn’t work, you didn’t eat. Now, we were patient and kind about this, and we had to be really careful with any child with food issues. However, if a child flat-out refused to help with livestock feeding, then they were flat-out refused the next meal. They might have snuck food, but at the following meal they had to sit at the table with their plate upside down while the rest of us went on and on about how tasty everything was, and how stuffed we all were from eating such good food. This works best with elementary age children. Younger than that, and a child is too young to miss a meal; older than that breeds rebellion. There is a window of time from five to twelve years of age during which it is highly effective. Usually the offending child only misses one meal to learn the lesson.
As your children reach upper elementary school age, they should start earning their own money for their list of wants. First, they should learn to do extra chores around the house that help out the parents. Watching younger siblings, helping with the laundry, assisting with a major house-cleaning, mowing the yard, pulling weeds in the garden, and washing the cars are all extra chores that are good training.
Once children reach middle school, they should be diligent enough in their work—still with parent supervision—that they can do odd jobs around their neighborhood. Dog walking, pet care, and basic lawn maintenance are jobs that are easy to fit in around a busy family’s schedule, and can be parent-supervised. I do not recommend babysitting/child care in someone else’s home as a part-time job for adopted teen children unless the teen’s parent knows beyond doubt the teen is 100% trustworthy with children without a parent present. A teen providing child care in your own home, with your direct supervision, is an alternative.
Once your child reaches high school, they could have their own home business which you supervise, and then when they have proven their work ethic, they should be encouraged to find a job outside the home by perhaps age 17. This is especially important for boys who need to grow into men who can support themselves and later their families. We were able to arrange for our children to work first for a friend’s business. Thankfully, each worked hard and was an honest employee, showing up to work on time, and working hard all day. We have had a few children who couldn’t handle such responsibility until they were a bit older—but it was always a goal that we worked toward.

(Chapter continues in book.)

sharimcminn

Shari Howard McMinn is an author, editor, farmer, writer, and most importantly Mom to 11 children. Widowed very unexpectedly on June 2, 2013, Shari continued the direction of her life built with her late husband, Cary, and launched her public speaking and writing business which he had often encouraged her to do. Drawing from her 'over the top' life, she writes non-fiction and presents PowerPoint talks on issues related to family life, including adoption, childhood nutrition, family economics, homeschooling, and proactive parenting. She is available for broadcast interviews and presentations in Colorado and surrounding states, as well as Florida and Georgia. A dynamic speaker, Shari engages the audience with her true-life storytelling and practical advice based on experience and biblical wisdom.