ADOPTION: Blog Post #29 Help-list for Churches

ADOPTION: Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey

Author’s Help-List for Churches to Assist Adoptive Families

Shari Howard McMinn Copyright (c) 2017

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.                   Romans 12:9-13 NKJV

Typically, it is rare for a church body to step up to lessen the heavy burden of long-term commitment for the family who chooses to adopt. In the most challenging cases where a family has decided to take on a sibling group, or a multiple succession of adoptions, this type of crucial help from their church means the difference between adopting or not, or becoming a family forever versus a disrupted adoption. For the child, that means either life in a loving Christian home surrounded by the hope of Christ or likely the life of an orphan not knowing Christ.

We live in the age of entitlement mentality. This is not that type of situation. Adoptive families who are serving Christ as His hands on this earth need blessed assistance, not socialist welfare. They don’t want to be an oddity or charity. The offensiveness of being someone’s charity case with no relationship or caring involved is a repulsive thing—I have experienced it too many times. Even once would have been too often. No wonder so many non-Christian cultures are turned off by Christian ministry and missions that are strong on material giving but short on relationship building. Ultimately, we are to love people as Christ loves us. This involves time and a real relationship, not just giving out a bag of torn and tattered hand-me-down clothes with no personal connection attached. Material needs undeniably exist but they should not be the beginning or end of support for adoptive families. Love, care, and relationship should take center stage.

The best way to assist is for elders or deacons to privately ask the adoptive parents what they need in the beginning, and on a regular basis (at least annually or even quarterly) as time goes on. Whether through direct financial support, in-kind giving, hands-on involvement, or spiritual covering, the following is my suggested ‘starter list’ of what a loving church body could offer to an adoptive family in their congregation.:

Emotional:

• Caring adult mentors for the adopted child (ideally these would include those who share the child’s ethnic/racial background)
• Children’s picture books with positive messages about adoption, birth family, and ethnicity
• Consistent, frequent encouragement in both verbal and written form
• Individual and family counseling as needed (counselor should be ‘trauma informed’)
• In-home care for kids while the parents have a date or vacation
• Leaders and concerned church members taking TBRI training to become ‘trauma informed’
• Marriage retreat for the parents, with child care provided by someone who is ‘trauma informed’
• Picture frames, scrapbooking supplies, and a gift card for photo prints
• Respite care for kids away from their home while the parents stay home
• Supportive friendships for biological birth siblings for respite away from adopted siblings

Physical:

• Bedroom and bath linen supplies for extra children
• Bedroom furniture: quality mattresses, waterproof pads, dressers, desk/table, rocker chair
• Car seats – appropriate for age/weight of child/ren
• Cases of diapers or nighttime pull-ups
• Family game night bag with snacks, movies, board games
• Financial help with costs related to adoption
• Games and learning toys for special-needs children
• Gift cards for a local fun center, movie theater, or restaurant
• Gift cards to Goodwill, Walmart, or nearby thrift and grocery stores
• Gifts at holidays and birthdays
• Groceries in bulk, stocked pantry, new freezer
• Home addition/remodel/repair to accommodate new child(ren)
• Larger, used, good-condition vehicle for the growing family
• Meals after adopted child arrives home
• Medical, dental, and orthodontic care and treatment
• Outdoor play-set, trampoline, bikes, scooters, skateboards, sports equipment
• Outerwear such as coats, hats, gloves for changes of weather
• School supplies, home school curriculum
• ‘Welcome home’ shower for the new children (like a baby shower, but age-appropriate)

Social:  

• Childcare for husband-and-wife dates or double date with other couples
• Meal invitations to church members’ homes
• Family recreation with other church families
• Gift memberships for family outings to museums or zoo
• Music lessons and cultural events for older children
• One-on-one mentoring by trauma-informed adults for education and hobbies
• Senior members of the church serving as ‘adoptive grandparents’
• Tutoring for struggling students
• Uplifting family books or DVDs that represent a range of ethnicities and cultures

Spiritual:

• Adoption resources and training for parents
• Artwork with reassuring Biblical scenes or the Ten Commandments for child’s bedroom
• Bibles, CDs, DVDs, and Christian resources for each of the children in the family
• Discussions and plans for baptism of adopted children
• Family counseling when needed which comes alongside without being judgmental/critical
• Prayer, prayer, and more prayer
• Regular pastoral visits, frequent elder or deacon visits (these would be more ‘social’ than ‘oversight’ in nature)

It may seem to the reader that this sounds like a ‘get rich quick scheme’ for the adoptive family! Gifts, dates, vacations, childcare, gift cards… I can see why it would seem that way, but it’s not so! When a family adopts, there are two things which are essential to stability and bonding:

• for the parents to have fun, relaxed time with all of their children, and
• for the parents to have time with each other alone as a couple

Adopting often means the parents need to cut back on work hours to increase family time. They must adjust to lower income-earning potential to satisfy the time-demands of the needy, adopted children as well as extra time for the birth siblings who now have to share their parents with new siblings. There are increases to the family budget at the same time there are cuts to work hours and the associated family income.

By example, as an adoptive mother of a large family, I have had to learn how to cut and style all kinds of hair. This has been an enjoyable task for me, as it saves us trips to town and lots of money. However, I’ve often thought how wonderful it would be to have a personal beautician (professional or just a skilled and willing volunteer) come to my home once a month to do all our haircuts! Just about every church in America has a hair salon owner or employee in the congregation. If not a home visit, then a gift card to go every six weeks to a local salon would be greatly appreciated. And you know, my black kids would love the privilege of going to a black hair salon at least once a year! My older daughters would love to get to have their nails done professionally once in their lives! These are things that typical middle-class Americans experience on a regular basis, and my family members would enjoy it, too. Someone in the church would be an angel to offer us these opportunities as gifts.

Every mid-sized church in America has at least one of the following: accountant, architect, builder, dentist, doctor, electrician, engineer, general contractor, landscaper, lawyer, mechanic, musician, nurse, plumber, sports coach, or teacher. Every adopted family in America could use gifted or discounted professional services from these experts—even a half day of service annually would be a blessing. Remember, it is the relationship, not the material gift, that is the most important. Most adoptive families feel like outcasts the minute their new kids join the family. Friendship is the dearest gift such a family can receive. A professional friend who visits on a regular basis, talks to the kids, tells them about his or her life and career, shows the kids a skill or two of his or her profession, has one of the most valued mentoring jobs in the world—and if that friend brings pizza for lunch or supper, well, that is a friend for life!

If one teen or adult in each church gave a half a day out of the year to babysit, build, clean, cook, entertain, garden, iron, mow, paint, play, repair, sweep, or wash—think how much time and money an adoptive family would save, and could then use for essential expenses such a food, clothing, and shelter. And you know what? It is such a small sacrifice for the giver, and such a huge blessing for the recipient.

Something as simple as the gift of a gas card can enable an adoptive family to create a new memory together. Adopted children are typically lacking in social skills and cultural experiences, and even though it is scary for parents to take their new children out in public, it is one of the most important things they can do. The cost of gas alone can be daunting. Families who adopt need to get out in public, not only so their children can learn how to behave in public, but so they can enjoy the goodness of life that God has for each of us. Bonding doesn’t just happen at home, during difficult times, but when experiencing life’s joy to its fullest. I remember noted Christian author Gary Smalley termed camping a ‘bonding’ experience. Opportunities like family camping trips are times when all the family members are together and when the best and the worst things can happen. If you never leave home or your local community, these times occur with far less frequency. Getting in the car and going for a road trip, if only to the next town, provides all kinds of social interaction. Typically, a hardship like a flat tire is a calamity, but when followed by ice cream treats for all, these comprise the events that kids remember forever as grand family adventures.

More important than the material gifts is the relationship in all of this support. Just to know people care: just to know there is a shoulder to cry on, or a listening and non-judgmental ear, can be very reassuring in difficult times. To feel loved and welcomed and appreciated for who you are in Christ, and that people want to spend time with you because you are just you, is indeed a comforting gift. This is important for the parents, birth children, and the adopted children.

My mere written words can’t possibly begin to express how important it is for adults in the church to take an interest in each and all the children in an adoptive family. The adopted kids need all the adult mentorship and conversation they can bear, and the birth siblings need to be encouraged and rewarded for what they are enduring. When grandparents live too far away, when aunts and uncles fall by the wayside, it is the adults in the church that need to stand in the gap to become the extended members of the adoptive family. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming or too much work. It just takes a compliment on an outfit after church on Sunday, a stopping by once a month—or even once a year—to visit, chatting in the aisle of the local grocery store to ask each person what they have been up to, or an occasional dinner of even the simplest soup and bread. This is just the common hospitality and friendly fellowship that church members should exercise towards each other (whether adoptive families or not!). Surprisingly, this is nearly non-existent in our “Hi, how are you? Goodbye.” Sunday church American culture. The strongest and most caring relationships for an adoptive family should be within their church congregation.

Before we adopted, we already had a larger-than-typical family with six kids. We attended several wonderful churches for nearly two decades. Even though we frequently had other families over to our home for a meal after church, do you know that maybe, at most, once a year we got invited to someone else’s house for dinner after church? Usually it was by some older widow or retired couple on a fixed income who really couldn’t afford it, but loved us and wanted to celebrate life with us. There was also a dear family that had as many children as we did, who really couldn’t afford for us to come over for dinner, but they had us over anyway. We dined simply, and it was wonderful.

Wake-up, Church! Isn’t hospitality supposed to be something the Christ’s Bride practices frequently, and does well, compared to the outside world? When we adopted our special needs children, those invitations came even less frequently, and sorry to say, the pastor and elders were not among those inviting us. Even sorrier to say, it was often the pastors’ and elders’ wives that were the least hospitable of all. How sad and disappointing. So, mostly we did the inviting. After feeding and keeping up with so many kids all week, what were a few more mouths to feed on Sunday afternoons?!

Thankfully, we now attend a family-integrated, adoption-friendly church where we have been invited more times than we can count, or return the favor! It’s not that we just want a free lunch, but we crave fellowship for ourselves and our kids. This is also the first church we have ever attended that verbally, from the pulpit, encouraged adoption and large families. It is worth the nearly two-hour drive to attend just for the weekly support!

Church leadership in every Christian congregation needs to be made aware of these suggestions. It is my hope and prayer that pastors, elders, and deacons will begin to consider and follow through with the blessings outlined above. Adoptive families have many burdens; gifts of any of these resources—especially as related to time—are priceless treasures to parents and their child.