ADOPTION: YOU CAN DO IT! Blog post #24, Chapter 19 – Anger, Emotion, and Diffusing Volcanoes with Calm Communication

Posted January 20, 2017

This week’s chapter excerpt discusses the ever-present and no doubt most common problem involved with adoption: diffusing your child’s anger while controlling your own in order to communicate needs.

19. Anger, Emotion, and Diffusing Volcanoes with Calm Communication

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

In your marriage, either the husband or wife is probably a passionate person; maybe you both are. Passionate people are doers. They take on important challenges like adoption. Passionate people are often emotional. Emotional people can be really exciting and fun-loving, but they can also be moody and angry. Passionate people can be very good at communicating what they are passionate about, but they aren’t always good at communicating when something needs to be discussed, such as a pressing issue that might cause disagreement or friction. Parents who know this about themselves are sometimes hesitant to discuss crisis situations, knowing they might lose their composure and release pent-up anger in an erupting volcano toward their spouse or child.

Traumatized children are similar. They often have their ‘fight’ brain on. Unlike their ‘flight’ brain that wants to run from problems, or their ‘freeze’ brain that shuts them down completely, their ‘fight’ brain can be unleashed instantaneously with a torrent of uncontrolled emotions, halting productive communication regarding the slightest issue, like what to wear for church. They often don’t know what troubling issue is causing their emotions to spew forth like hot lava, so they curse, cry uncontrollably, and angrily complain about everyone and everything. They can neither communicate, nor think, nor stop to consider anyone else involved in the situation.

Add to this clashing of passionate parents and traumatized kids, the overwhelming problems associated with adoption that simply must be discussed and solved for bonding, growth, and safety to occur, and you have chaos. Peace and calm, of course, would be nicer to have! We can more easily help our child calm down from a meltdown by remaining calm ourselves. If meltdowns are numbered 1-4 in escalation, we must remain at a calm Level 1 even if the child explodes to an out-of-control Level 4 (when they endanger themselves or others; call 911!)

So, what works to release the anger, acknowledge the emotion, and effectively communicate between parents and child to resolve serious and not-so-serious problems? An atmosphere of peace and calm, where everyone enjoys a healthy reality of feeling loved and validated is the place to start. This atmosphere is essential to establish immediately, before a situation starts to break down. This is the proactive beginning to successful adoption. Peace has to come first, to contain the chaos when it occurs, then peace can be regained after chaos is resolved. These basics can help create a more peaceful home:

sharimcminn

Shari Howard McMinn is an author, editor, farmer, writer, and most importantly Mom to 11 children. Widowed very unexpectedly on June 2, 2013, Shari continued the direction of her life built with her late husband, Cary, and launched her public speaking and writing business which he had often encouraged her to do. Drawing from her 'over the top' life, she writes non-fiction and presents PowerPoint talks on issues related to family life, including adoption, childhood nutrition, family economics, homeschooling, and proactive parenting. She is available for broadcast interviews and presentations in Colorado and surrounding states, as well as Florida and Georgia. A dynamic speaker, Shari engages the audience with her true-life storytelling and practical advice based on experience and biblical wisdom.