ADOPTION: Blog post #37, Chapter 27. Anger – Tempers and Tantrums

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Today’s chapter excerpt from my book, ADOPTION: Encouragement and Advice for a Hopeful Journey, tackles a huge and often daily issue for parents raising a traumatized child of any age.

  1. Anger—Tempers and Tantrums

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  Proverbs 15:1

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.        Ephesians 6:4

I was thinking today about the items on the list below as I prepared to attend a parenting class. I’ve frequently fallen in sin with these, therefore I’m grateful for the blood of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit to change me from the inside, out.

We can provoke our children to anger by:

  • Constantly criticizing them and not encouraging them, so they can never ‘please’ us
  • Having double standards—‘do as I say, not as I do.’
  • Expecting them to do things we won’t do, e.g. ask forgiveness, humble themselves
  • Being angry and harsh when we speak to them
  • Giving them a lack of appropriate physical affection on a regular basis
  • Telling them what to do or not to do without giving Biblical reasons: “Do it because I said so!” or “Don’t do that because it is just wrong!”
  • Being offended at their sin because it bothers us, not because it offends God.
  • Comparing them to others “Why can’t you act like your (perfect) sister?”
  • Our own hypocrisy: acting like a Christian at church but not at home
  • Embarrassing them (correcting, mocking, or expressing disappointment) in front of others
  • Always lecturing them and never listening to them
  • Disciplining them for childishness, immaturity, or weakness, which are not sins
  • Failing to ask their forgiveness when we sin against them
  • Our own pride—failing to receive humble correction from our elders, spouse, or children when we sin
  • Self-centered reactions to their sins: “How could you do that to ME?”
  • Ungracious and unhelpful reactions to their sin: “What were you thinking?” or “ Why in the world would you do that?”
  • Forgetting that we were (and are) sinners: “I would NEVER have done that when I was your age!”

If I could only take back the things I said and did in anger. If only our children would not repeat when they are angry what we have sinfully said and done! If I could have only humbled myself each time my husband and I engaged in heated disagreements, thereby setting a Christ-like example!

Did you ever think that God probably views each of us adults as two-year-olds throwing temper tantrums? When I see kids having a meltdown at the grocery store, while their parent continues to berate them in anger and bystanders watch as if entertained, I only want to get in the middle and quickly diffuse the situation because it is so painful to watch their angry outbursts! If only I would remember these incidents when I am tempted to sin against my children in anger….

Kids from hard places often struggle with angry outbursts; therefore the adults who parent them will be sorely tempted to compete in retaliation. This was probably the biggest challenge for my husband, as Dad to our eleven children (three of whom came from extremely hard places). Throw in parental egos and teenage hormones, and it is an almost daily battle in a home where the joy of the Lord is supposed to fill every nook and cranny.

(Chapter continues in book.)

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