ADOPTION YOU CAN DO IT! Blog Post #9 – Chapter 4 Fast-Forward Parenting

I hope you’ll enjoy reading this excerpt from my book, ADOPTION: YOU CAN DO IT! A Husband-Wife Date-Study for Successfully Raising Adopted Children in the Christian Home.  It is to be released in November in celebration of National Adoption Month.

Chapter 4. Fast-Forward Parenting – Raising Traumatized Children

“For you have formed my inward parts: you have covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows right well.”  Psalm 139:13-14

When a healthy, loved, wanted, well-nourished, and well-nurtured child, develops in utero and in infancy, her brain development is allowed to flourish as the good Lord planned. Up through three years of age, a child’s brain goes through significant development, especially in the frontal lobe, which affects the social and emotional aspects of a human’s life. When a child’s life has trauma of any type, including abuse, loss, malnourishment, or neglect, the development of the child’s brain is compromised and delayed. This negatively affects the child’s developing responses to stimuli involving attachment, communication, and the five senses.

This helps us understand why an adopted child can be more challenging to love and raise. Even if everything else in her life was picture perfect, the truth remains that she was traumatized by the loss of being separated from her birth parents, especially her mother. Therein lies the parenting challenge for the adoptive mom and dad. In addition to helping an adopted child acclimate to her new family, and helping the family adjust to her, the parents need to help the child ‘catch-up’ in many aspects of life in which there are delays. This can’t be done in one day, nor even in one year. It is a slow process involving consistent training and nurturing interaction.

Based on my experience, I would suggest that it takes at least double the amount of time to situate a child into an adoptive family, as the time period before the child was placed. So, if a child is five years old when you bring her home to your family, it won’t be until she is perhaps ten years old that she feels she is truly a part of your family. It was this way for my son, who came home at seven years old. He became adjusted to our family at 14 years old. For my daughter who came home at five years, and another one who came at three years, it was triple the time, so at 15 years old, and nine years old, things finally settled down for them and the rest of our family. Wow, that is a long time to be a vigilant parent with little gain! Thankfully the Lord walks with us.

Christian couples decide to adopt because they want to add to their family by giving a precious baby, toddler, or older child a forever family.  They want to serve God through orphan care, and believe because they love Him, adoption will be a tremendous blessing for everyone involved. It is indeed a blessing, but what many parents do not realize is that it can also be a painful process that involves years of attentiveness to accomplish. Birth children need 18 or more years in their parents’ care before they are ready to take on the world. How much more do traumatized adopted children need?  Adoptive parents should expect and plan for the raising of an adopted child to take an immense amount of time, with bonding and trust occurring over a period of years, not overnight.  An adoptee needs much from her forever family to overcome her significant losses and traumas to be ready to live independently and successfully. Adoption is a lifetime proposition on the part of parents as well as the adoptee.