ADOPTION: YOU CAN DO IT! Blog Post #10 – Hello To Adoption, Goodbye to Some Friends and Family

Posted October 14, 2016

My latest non-fiction book ADOPTION YOU CAN DO IT: A Husband-Wife Date-Study for Successfully Raising Adopted Children in the Christian Home will be available for purchase later this year. Currently, I am posting chapter excerpts weekly in chronological order. This weeks’ is from Chapter 5 – Hello to Adoption, Goodbye to Some Friends and Family.

…When the biblical Abram (later named Abraham), friend of Almighty God, and his wife Sarai (later named Sarah) left Ur of the Chaldees for their new homeland, they left most of their relatives and friends behind. I think we can assume, since it was a time before cell phones and postal mail, they never again communicated with most of their loved ones who remained in Ur. So, too, can be the journey to the land of Adoption. The Lord will be your friend and guide, and you will eventually find the blessing of a ‘land flowing with milk and honey.’ However, even with email and cell phones, you will leave many of your friends and relatives behind. There will be some who encourage you in your first adoption; perhaps some will even throw you a baby shower for a newborn you may have placed in your family. If you should adopt siblings, adopt trans-racially, or adopt for a second or third time, even the shower invites will stop and less dedicated friends and family conveniently get too busy with their own lives to stop by and meet the new kids….

…Don’t despair. It is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. No one might understand your feelings of disconnectedness from your family of origin no matter how many times you try to explain it. Don’t blame God. You simply must lay it at the Lord’s feet, and let Him deal with it. He can comfort you, lessen the pain, and give you new opportunities and desires for relationships that are supportive.

This, I believe, is one of the most difficult burdens to bear in adoption: at least it has been for me. It is assuredly more likely to become a burden if you get the adoption ‘bug’ and want to adopt again, and then maybe again. Most people think adoption is nice. Many Christians believe, and even may say “you are a saint” for adopting someone else’s baby so the mother won’t get an abortion. But to adopt two or three kids, or to build an adoption dynasty of four, five, or more children—now that is really crazy! Even your supposedly closest friends and relatives probably will come to believe you have some deep need that you can’t get fulfilled, and will suggest you need to get counseling for that. They’ll wonder if—and might even say in a well-meaning tone—you don’t love your birth kids enough, or that you must not have a fulfilling marriage.

Strangers will think you just want the subsidy for kids from the system if you are adopting through child welfare. You obviously have a problem! Like those people that collect cats, you collect kids and you can’t possibly take care of them all! The sad thing is people who you thought were your trusted friends or family members would rather lecture you at every opportunity, or talk about you to others, than actually pray for your decisions and come alongside to help you and your needy kids. It is all a lousy reality and it can be devastating. It is the enemy trying to destroy you from within. Remember that God is sufficient to win the battle, even if you don’t think the outcome of the war is what you thought it should be.

The bottom line is that you two as a couple have to move forward, together, and be comfortable with adoption regardless of what anyone else thinks, says, or does about your decisions. Just do what the Lord tells you and your spouse to do, and don’t worry about the naysayers or those who don’t stick around. Raising God’s orphans is one of the most important jobs in His universe, and if people don’t see that, well, they are not worth the time it takes to explain your decision to adopt over and over again. Your time is limited because you have a diaper to change, soiled sheets to wash, a raging child to calm, inappropriate behavior to correct, and children to hug and supervise 24/7/365. The Lord will deal with the naysayers and their indifference. He will bless those who bless you, and He will bless you for making a difference.

Reflection/Discussion Questions:

Adoption takes sacrifice, especially regarding your personal wants and needs. What things do you feel you need to leave behind as you travel the adoption journey?
What have, or will, your family and friends communicate to you about adoption, either directly or indirectly?
What family/social mores (pronounced “morays”), including race and social status, do you anticipate might be an issue with your family and friends regarding your adoption? How will that affect you and your larger, adopted family as time goes on?

Pray for wisdom in making adoption-related decisions, for your extended family and friends, your children, and your marriage. Then go to PART FOUR- Appendix II and enjoy the FIFTH CREATIVE DATE!

sharimcminn

Shari Howard McMinn is an author, editor, farmer, writer, and most importantly Mom to 11 children. Widowed very unexpectedly on June 2, 2013, Shari continued the direction of her life built with her late husband, Cary, and launched her public speaking and writing business which he had often encouraged her to do. Drawing from her 'over the top' life, she writes non-fiction and presents PowerPoint talks on issues related to family life, including adoption, childhood nutrition, family economics, homeschooling, and proactive parenting. She is available for broadcast interviews and presentations in Colorado and surrounding states, as well as Florida and Georgia. A dynamic speaker, Shari engages the audience with her true-life storytelling and practical advice based on experience and biblical wisdom.